I am Weak. He is Able.

I’m pretty good at starting things. I love to think of new, fun, challenging and ambitious ideas. And I love beginning the journey they each bring. Because of their newness they keep my interest. At each beginning my zeal carries me through…for a while. Therein lies my ever-present problem. My zeal only lasts for a while. Then I get bored or tired or apathetic. When this happens i naturally want to stop. Whatever ambition I had is now gone and I find myself abandoning whatever project, goal or idea that once captured my attention and caused me to embrace it in the first place. I could easily name a dozen of such things. I get annoyed at myself but I don’t change. I make commitments to myself and a break them when the going gets tough. This is my problem that I for too long have let control me. This is the thorn in my side that reminds me of my weakness and frailty that has often led me down the path of shame, disappointment, and often apathy. So I give up. I stop trying. I begin a new project or embrace a new idea that I hope will be carried through when my good intentions are finally actualized. Sometimes they are but too often I find myself at the same bitter end where my intentions don’t match my actions and where my actions fail to carry me towards the ends that I desire. I’m sick of it. I know I’m the master of my own command and it should be as easy as making up my mind and following through. It sounds easy enough, doesn’t it. Well, for whatever reason this has been a struggle that I’ve felt for far too long.

People ask me why I am on this trip. I answer with a number of reasons all which are true. I’m riding for the cause. I like riding my bike. I like adventures. I especially like adventures with God. It’s fun to see the country this way. It’s an amazing journey to be a part of a team that’s unified, growing, and giving together. Each of these is true, and there’s nothing particularly wrong with answering these ways. Each of these comes from a desire in my heart to benefit the world through building of God’s beautiful Kingdom. Because of His grace, this can be done through small things like riding my bike.

However, when I am honest, I mean really brutally honest with myself, a major reason for embarking on the bike ride across the U.S. is to show myself that I can finish something. I think to myself, if I can ride across the entire country on my bike, I can do almost anything. I feel like I am proving to myself that I have what it takes to finish something that is really big. After making it through the most grueling leg of the trip, I am finding a confidence growing in me that I can do this. I can finish what I started. To be sure, there is still a lot of the trip left. How I finish is still to be determined. But I feel good. I feel strong. This is a welcomed notion after living in a place of failure and apathy when it comes to finishing what I’ve started. This is all good in a way. As far as I am in charge of how I live out my life, this experience is helping me grow into a greater maturity where my words and intentions meet reality. This is a really good thing. It is desperately needed.

Perhaps the greatest realization though, is not that I am able to finish what I’ve started. Rather, it is the realization that I am unable to do the things that God calls me to do, without Him becoming my strength. Without God arising at the core of who I am and at the center of all I’m about, my weakness will become my demise. Sure, I can do small things out of my own strength for a while. But when it comes to fighting that which has become my broken reality, and escaping the chains I have long been bound by, I must rely on his strength that is graciously offered me. Without it, I will continue to be a dying man that lacks the wisdom, strength, and resolve to change the world, let alone my own life.

I believe that in the case of riding my bike across the country, I will finish what I’ve started. But to say that I found a way to muster up the ambition within myself would be a lie. It’s Him. I’m learning the hard way what it means to abide. I guess it’s never an easy lesson to realize our own weakness and to come to a place of surrender where we are constantly being held. But it is neccesary. In this place of being held, we are strengthened to be the people we’re created to be. In this place of surrender, we can do the things we’re created to do.

Father, please be my strength as I continue this journey. I now know that I need it. Thank you for being patient with me as I have sought to struggle on my own. I now give all of me to you, knowing that on my own I am weak and powerless. I love that you’ve promised to be on my side. You’ve promised to be with the weak and broken. You’ve promised to give sight to the blind and to open ears to hear. These promises are for me these days. I will continue to ride. I will continue to fight injustice. I will continue to seek you. And I will finish what I’ve started, but not to say that I did it, but to show the world who you are.