Pity vs. Empathy

The word empathy seems to have become a rather ambiguous word in our language today. It is a concept that we know is important. But we also seem unable to clearly define what empathy is and what it looks like. For myself, I tend to define it as feeling the same thing as someone else and, therefore, being able to understand what they are going through or have gone through. I also consider it an act of support for the person who is suffering or struggling. But what does that truly look like in practice? For me there are three specific examples that come to mind when I think of empathy.

The first example is from this last semester of school. Something that I have struggled with in my life for a long time is anxiety and worry. I am a rather compulsive worrier. I tend to over-think most situations and to get myself worked up and almost panicked about them. Something I learned this semester to help me calm down, both physically and mentally, was to breathe. It helps because it gives your mind something else to focus on and forces you to slow down. It sounds easy enough but when your mind starts racing it is actually really hard to remember to breathe. It also feels kind of silly to sit there taking deep breathes. But whenever I start to over think life and forget to breathe, my boyfriend, Owen, stops me and simply says “let’s breathe.” And so we do. Owen is naturally a very laid back person. He doesn’t need to stop and breathe. But he does it for me. He does it to support me and to make it feel less stupid and silly to have to breathe.

The second example is from my tour this summer and is one that I have referred back to many times already in my journaling here. While cycling through the Appalachians I was unable to cycle up the last two peaks of the day. My teammate Jeramy was entirely capable of cycling up the peaks and reaching the top. But he chose to walk with me up both peaks. He did not have to. He could have cycled to the top and waited for me there. But he chose to join me, to support me, and to show me that there was no shame in walking. I think that sometimes people need to be cheered from the top in order to keep pushing. But other times they need a companion to walk by their side.

The third example of empathy took place when I was around 10 or 11 years old. My friend Erika broke both of her feet when she ran into a tree while sledding. She had casts on both feet that ended just below her knees. She was able to bend her knees but could not put pressure on her feet. Her options for mobilization were either a wheelchair or crawling on her knees. She opted for some of both. When she chose to crawl on her knees it was, inevitably, a bit awkward and strange. She instantly became half the height of everyone else. As an act of support and friendship towards her myself and our mutual friend Melissa decided we would join her on the floor and crawl as well. Our legs worked fine, our feet were not broken. We did not have to crawl on the ground. We did not have to, literally, lower ourselves to that position. But we chose to in order to support our friend.

That is what empathy means. It does not mean that you tell someone how terrible their situation is, how awful it is that they can’t do such-and-such or that they lost whatever-it-was. That is pity and all that does is focus on the problem. When a young child is learning to walk they fall down. It is inevitable. When that happens their reaction often depends on the reaction of their parents. If their parents panic, run to them, and react as if they are suppose to be hurt and crying, the child will cry. However, if the parents react to the situation in a calm manner, acknowledging the fall but refusing to focus and dwell on it the child reacts to that as well. Instead of dissolving into a puddle of tears the child will pop back up and continuing tottering forward. Falls are inevitable. But how we react to our own falls and the falls of others is what makes the difference. How do you react when others fall?

Empathy means putting yourself in another person’s shoes. It means placing yourself in their position, no matter how uncomfortable it might be there, whether you need to be there or not. It means enabling yourself to feel what they are feeling and, therefore, to understand and offer support. It means joining them so that they are not alone and do not feel like they are a failure or a freak. Instead they become someone important, someone special, and someone worth sacrificing and fighting for. Pity encourages and enables a person to stay where they are. Empathy spurs them to action and a desire to find a solution and to press on because they are not alone.